I’ve Been Defeated

I’ve been wrong once or twice in my life. Maybe three times. But something unexplainable has happened over the last four years.

Since having kids, I’ve been wrong a LOT. I’m starting to think I’m not even in control of my own life. I swear I’ll never do something, then the next thing I know I’m doing exactly that. It’s like I’m living in some sort of simulation or video game where someone else calls the shots.

Here’s the proof. I said (and believed) all of these things at some point:

  • I refuse to speak in baby talk, gibberish, or anything other than proper English.
  • I can’t believe these parents just shove their iPhones in front of their kids the second they sit down in a restaurant. How lazy.
  • I’m never moving to the suburbs. I can’t live in a strip shopping center wasteland where dreams go to die.
  • My kids will not subsist on hot dogs and processed snacks. Not on my watch.
  • I can’t believe they just let that little brat throw a tantrum in public. I would never put up with that shit.
  • Why would anyone ever take a baby on an airplane? If they can’t get that thing to shut up, they should leave it at home. That’s just disrespectful to the rest of us.
  • Kids don’t need a million shitty little toys. They can’t play with them all, anyway. What a waste of money.
  • I can’t believe these families live in such squalor. I would never tolerate a messy house.
  • There will be no KIDZ BOP when I’m behind the wheel. When daddy’s driving, he controls the radio. And daddy is PUNK ROCK.
  • I’m too cool to dance in the kitchen to “C’Mon Ride That Train.” And to let my kids line up all the chairs like a train. And play the conductor in the front of the chair train while the kids ride in back. I’m sure they’re talking about something dirty, anyway.
  • I’ll never go to bed before 9:00pm. It’s still daylight, for God’s sake.
  • Camping is stupid. Why would anyone choose to sleep outside when God invented air conditioning and running water?
  • There will be no negotiation, coercion, or bribery in my household. My kids will do what they’re told. Dad’s in charge, and he runs a tight ship.

Suffice to say I’ve eaten a lot of crow over the last four years. And if there’s one thing I hate more than Dave Matthews Band, it’s being wrong.

But I’ve come to the point where I concede. I’ve been defeated.

I am absolutely NOT in control; my kids are. They somehow bend me to their will and force me to do everything in my power to make them happy. They’ve weakened my defense and made me soft.

I confess to doing every one of those things I swore I’d never do. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I will NOT cave in and buy a minivan, though. I’m still punk rock.

I'm Brandon.

I’m a dad who writes about being a dad. When I can find the time between wiping butts and breaking up fights and chauferring and working. 

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